I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
