why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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