You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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