Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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