So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
