Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
