Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
