im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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