on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
