She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
