I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
