We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
