Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
