Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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