I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
