I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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