Don't make out with my wife yet
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
