captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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