He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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