i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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