Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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