no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
