I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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