Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
