Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sorry about my life...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
