he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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