Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
