the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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