I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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