I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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