drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
