Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
