I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
