oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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