I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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