i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So much rum. So many feels.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
