How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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