I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
