If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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