you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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