He disabled his match.com account in front of me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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