My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
