my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
