Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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