I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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