new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
