1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
