I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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