i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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