Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
