My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
