hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
